We are not having enough sex.

When we get caught up in the noise, that is when the disconnect happens.

We are facing a quiet crisis as a society: We are not having enough good sex.

Now before you roll your eyes and decide that this is not the most pressing problem we have, please hear me out. In the past decades, we have learned a lot about showing up consciously in the world we build for ourselves. We live differently, we love differently, we parent differently. What we are often forgetting, is to desire differently too. The alarmingly high number of reported sexless relationships lets us assume that we are facing a problem that may be bigger than we’d like to admit.

Surely, sex cannot fix all our problems, yet it is important to state that research has found a clear link between sexual satisfaction and our overall mental & emotional well-being. Simply put: having good sex helps us show up as the best versions of ourselves.

Now I am not sure about you, but I feel there were a couple of things left out of mainstream stories around love, marriage, longterm relationships, parenthood and how to actually find satisfaction in all of it. Here we are, trying to be a good person, partner and/or parent in a world constantly demanding too much, leaving us feeling overwhelmed, depleted and, most probably, full of blame for all the things we can’t get right. Sex? Ask me again next week.

I get it. The idea of having loads of good sex is nice, but more often than not, it feels like a final chore on top of a never-ending mountain of to-dos. Another thing we’d like to tackle. One day …

Not having satisfying sex is a form of starving ourselves.

Orchestrating sex is generally easiest at the beginning of a new relationship, when hormones are conducting the experience. Chances are that you have had pretty decent sexual experiences in the past. Ones that felt good, even if they weren’t always the most satisfying. That, right there, is the brain beating the drums faster than your feet can move, with dopamine and other hormones rushing through your body, slightly blurring your vision. What follows the hot, can’t-get-enough-of-one-another energy of new and exciting love for many couples, is sexual intimacy that is obvious. Nice, but perhaps slightly boring and not that satisfying after all. A chore that might eventually just wear out. Not because we can’t get it right, but because that is what happens to things that stop exciting us.

The problem is: We need connection. We are wired for connection. And for so many of us, physical, intimate touch does not just feel nice, it helps us stay regulated and present. To me, there is more to intimacy than sex, but there is also more to sex than just physical intimacy. It is about exploring, about leaving to-dos and roles behind, and about activating parts of ourselves that don’t find satisfaction in a regular day.

Over the past decade, an entire industry was built to help us find ourselves. To connect deeper, to breathe deeper, to feel deeper, to nourish deeper, to move deeper … and while many of those things are great, they can all not fill the desire living deep inside many of us. The desire for pleasure, the desire to be seen, the desire to step out of our responsibilities and let go of all inhibitions, the desire to be fulfilled.

Good sex does not just happen. If you want to have good sex in your life, you need to chose it. And while that might feel like yet another exhausting thing requiring our attention, there is also so much opportunity here. Besides for a deeper connection to a partner, you may also find a completely new, exciting, fully alive version of yourself – inside your relationship and out. Because like with anything else in life, the magic happens once you put attention and effort into it.

Now the question is: do you know what good sex looks and feels like for you?

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