Remember when intimacy was exciting?
The longing for the attention of someone you were attracted to, the butterflies that came with the glances that lasted just a little too long to be casual, the electric sensation rushing through your body the first time your fingers brushed against the other’s, the complete, pleasurable, satisfactory surrender when your lips met for the first time … Do you remember?
Be fully present, they say. Damn, this shit is hard, is what they could say instead.
When was the last time you thought to yourself ‘oooh, some sex would be really nice now’ and you actually ended up having hot sex right then and there?
For most of us – especially, but not exclusively in long-term relationships – things don’t often go that way. The reasons for that are myriad, but I dare to assume that you, like me, have grown up with this idea of sex being something we all want. Ideally at the same times as our partner, when the kids are out of the house or sleeping, spontaneously and several times a week. I am probably not bursting your bubble if I tell you that that is not how things work in real life.
Social media is full of channels explaining the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire with many professionals finally acknowledging that the majority of people do not go through life feeling spontaneous desire for sex as a norm. That information is super nice to have to feel less broken in our sex-less relationships, but it mostly does not change things for us too much. So, why is that?
Firstly, we need to stop waiting for the mood to hit. Secondly, we need to put in an effort. And before you now throw your hands up in the air and tell yourself that you do not have time or energy to put any more effort into anything, bare with me for just a moment … because maybe, sex does not have to feel like a chore.
Remember the times when things felt tingly? Exciting!? Hot!? I argue that it is possible to have all of that in all sorts of relationships, including the monogamous, committed, long term ones. Let’s explore that for a moment …
The difference between pleasure and chore is the joy of getting a hickey and the pain of trying to cover it up the next day.
Have you ever caught yourself watching a movie and wishing that you could feel like that character on screen? The longing, the passion, the synchronicity, the climax!? More often than not, we are not entirely sure what it is that turns on our switch, but deep inside, we still ask ourselves if there is something we are missing. The reason for that is fairly simple: many of us long to be wanted, pleased and satisfied. So, if we know the desired outcome, then why do we struggle to get there? Because the solution does not live in the desire, it lives in the journey to sexy, thrilling pleasure, which – between us – does not always happen quite organically with that same person you share all your not-so-exciting parts of life with. But just because good sex doesn’t just happen for a lot of people, does not mean you cannot have it.
As a first step, ask yourself what it could feel like to want more. Allow yourself to actually explore the difference between feeling fully alive and just okay …!? Remember those moments when your heart skipped a beat. When you found yourself holding your breath in anticipation of what was coming next. The longing, the tingling, the desire … all that is not lost. It is waiting to be activated again, to bring you back to how it all started – hot, horny, exciting. Except, it will be so much better this time around, because of who you have become in the meantime.
Ready for it? I would be delighted to support your journey.