Sex in long-term relationships

But if you touch me like this, and if you kiss me like that … then it’s all coming back to me. I am not the biggest Celine Dion fan, but there is something about this song that makes me want to get ahold of a fake mic and give it a go. Baby, baby, baby … I think that most of us remember the hot sex we once had with our long-term spouse – no matter if it was the best, most pleasurable experience of our lives or not, for most people the early stages of can’t-get-enough-of-you feel surprisingly similar. That is because the tingly feeling that rushes through our nervous system does not necessarily live in mind-blowing orgasms (though we like those too, of course), but in a lot of the longing sensation of the new and (and!!!) especially the exciting.

Let’s face it, long-term relationships are not very thrilling. Often, they become predictable, sometimes even mundane, while we are not only busy building on our lives together, but must also get over some of the most annoying things our partners bring to the table. Most of us choose a life partner that we truly want to build something with – a home, a career, a family … things that need a certain structure and organization to become functional. The problem is: that is all not very sexy. Mix that with the cultural narrative of sex just being this thing that nobody talks about, yet everybody seems to naturally be good at and do all the time (and please read the sarcasm in this statement, because let me tell you, they do not) and you’ve got yourself a hot, steaming mess.

Lately I have been finding that more and more clients report a desire to tap into the space behind their longing – whatever that looks, feels, smells like – and find the sexual potential they suspect to live there. Ideally, we would all want to bring that kind of energy into our relationships. Now the tricky part in this is that we a) might have to fight through some stigma, possibly cultural myths or shame, and definitely not small amounts of fear and uncertainty, before unlocking that part of ourselves becomes an option and b) have learned that sex, especially in long-term relationships comes as kind of a package deal. What do I mean by that? Have you ever heard about how women need physical and emotional attention outside of (sexual) intimacy first, before even considering sex? Or that if only partners could take on more of the responsibilities in a shared household, letting down the guards would be easier – again, mostly directed at women? Now I am not saying that these are not important things to talk about – they are, but they should not be part of the conversation around sex. If you want emotional attention in your relationship, you need to communicate that and it is absolutely not too much to ask for, but it should not be linked to whether anyone is getting any sex. And neither is partners doing their part in a shared household. I truly believe that a lot of the reasons for sexless relationships (which, in professional circles is considered one where couples have sex no more than 10 times a year) is that sex gets hooked onto way too many other things. Getting sex as some sort of reward has – in my opinion – not the best success rate and the reasons are rather obvious.

So, what could be a solution? First, I think we all need to give ourselves and our partners some grace. We were all a little tricked into becoming this everything for another person … the partner, the friend, the soulmate, the lover, the everything – because as nice as the idea may seem, it is really fu*king hard, and it is definitely not very hot. Secondly, we need to figure out who we are as sexual beings – and by that I don’t just mean ‘a little more to the right and a tad faster’ but actually figuring out who the person is that is showing up in the sexually intimate space. That means getting to know the person that may not always be in the exact same space, with the exact same cravings and the exact same desires, but who is as nuanced as the work version, the family version, the out-with-friends version is allowed to be ... It can mean allowing for you to possibly show up as the one who for once does not do all the organizing and directing but gets told what to do instead. It can mean tapping into fantasies and playing out things that were only ever allowed to live in your wildest dreams. It may bring out a totally different side of yourself, one that feels scary at first, but wild and free eventually. Bringing out the sexual you is not about getting it right, it is about figuring out who you could potentially become, if the space was safe enough for you to be whoever you need to be in that very moment. It is about getting to know your sexual desires and learning to honestly communicate them. It is about asking for the kind of sex you want and need instead of silently resenting the absence of it.

The beautiful thing about going on this journey with a long-term partner is that the carefully built foundation of trust and stability allows for deep connection – which, once you add some new excitement – can be a spicy mix. Ultimately, long-term relationships are a choice, but I believe so is hot sex. So, if you are in for the long run and ready to spark some new excitement, I am here to help. If you are still talking about sex, that is great, if you are not, start talking today. Because as long as we talk about it, there is always hope for things to improve.

Ready for the next step? Book your first session here.